here i am licking my spoon of vanilla swiss almond and i'm reminded of an incident with a friend about 2 years ago.

we were passing time in san francisco; i can't remember if we were waiting for a train, or a person. she says to me, "here's a little quiz just for fun: vanilla ice cream, or chocolate?"

now, i am a chocolate person through and through, but i don't always like chocolate ice cream - i only like it in moderation and on occasion. given a choice between the two, it was a 50-50 split, and given that choice at that moment, i was more in the mood for vanilla rather than chocolate, so i said vanilla.

"okay, it is said that people who like vanilla ice cream look for good-looking partners. those who prefer chocolate ice cream don't care so much about looks, but the character of their partners."

i was flummoxed, kerfuffle in my head, trying to relate one to another.

"wait, vanilla.. wait, why.. whaaat?" i spluttered, "how does liking vanilla ice cream show that i look for good-looking partners? i like vanilla ice cream because of the taste, not because of the way it looks! and i don't dislike chocolate ice cream... and even if i do, i really don't think it's because of the way it looks! i don't get it... what kind of quiz is this?"

"relax, this is just for fun! hey you know what, the vanilla people are always defensive about their choice when told about this..."

i don't know, but i'm still stumped at how ice cream choice translates into partner choice! vanilla ice cream would be indignant to know that it is associated only with skin-deep beauty. shouldn't we look beyond its color to see what really makes vanilla good?

p.s. the "dry roasted almonds, lightly coated with sweet chocolate" in this ice cream is killing me! must get more...

this was expressed by someone i was hanging out with today, and i wanted to capture as much of it as i can remember (although not verbatim and possibly not even in the right order - my memory's not that great!) because it gives me a lot of food for thought.

"i think girls are brought up with a very different idea of love than guys are. girls expect that when they find someone that they love, eventually they are going to get married to that person. but it's not like that.

marriage is not just about love. there are so many things that go into it, and compatibility is a big part of it, whether you can get along with the person, can you spend 40 years or so with one person..."

[at this point, someone else adds, "you don't believe in couples, right? like, you think marriage is an unnatural situation to be in?" and the orator sidetracks into how the current society doesn't really need the institution of marriage anymore because we have measures in place to make sure that an orderly life is maintained despite the disintegration of the family unit.]

"anyway, coming back to my point: we've been together for 3 years, and now she's over there and i'm here, and it's complicated. sometimes all i need is just to have someone around, someone to cuddle when i go to sleep. but if that's all that i need, it'll be easier for me to just break up and find someone here, right? but i haven't. ... i don't know if i'd go back there, and i mean, moving to a different part of the country to make a life with someone - that's a big thing and that's not a step i'm ready to take with her.

she wants to get married and have kids and a 9-to-5 job, and of course some of these are things that i want as well. but at the same time i spend a lot of time on my work and i keep all sorts of weird hours. ... she's said i should probably marry another scientist, someone who's as dedicated to their work.

i've been engaged before, but we had to break off the engagement in the end. i loved her, but we were fighting all the time. ... it's normal to have differences of opinions and disagreements and arguments. but if every time you fight, you just get angry, and you leave with a bad feeling and nothing's resolved, then there's something wrong.

[then at some point, i'm not sure if it's here, i ask, "so you're saying if there's 2 people, one that you love very much, and another that you're compatible and can get along with, you'd rather marry the one you can get along with?"]

"no, that's not what i'm saying. i've known so many girls, and been good friends with so many of them and we can get along well, and do all kinds of stuff together, but i wouldn't marry all of them." (i guess basically the point is love is important, but there needs to be a lot more than that for people to get married... and i thought... "very tall order!")

i thought this was interesting for a couple of reasons. for one thing, yes, i do believe that girls and guys have very different ideas of why people should get married. i know girls who think like that, and in fact, i suppose at the back of my mind, i think so too. and yet, i think i've been influenced a lot by my upbringing and my family that i'm sufficiently confused about marriage. i've never really been exposed to people who think that marriage should be one of a girl's goal in life. my parents have always encouraged me to think more about studies and career, than about boys and relationships, even at this age. my favorite aunt is single by choice.

so i don't really have an overwhelming desire to get married. but, i do sometimes think that i would like the companionship and support of being in a relationship, and sometimes, it's just hard to share common activities when most people in my social circle are attached. lately i've been wondering myself if romantic love is a very necessary component of a relationship? what if there's someone you're "compatible" with, that shares your thoughts, and is someone you can trust and respect; are those reasons enough to be in a relationship? are they good enough to get married to someone?

i did catch myself thinking "typical girl" thoughts such as, "why the heck would you be in a relationship with someone for 3 years, with no intention of marrying her?" and then i thought, well but then you don't go into a relationship expecting to marry that person! it was just surprising to me that in spite of the ideas i thought i had about marriage, i am still conditioned to think about marriage as the goal of a romantic relationship.

then of course, the idea that being in love with someone does not necessarily mean that you will, or even should, end up marrying that person. the die-hard romantic in me wants to believe that this isn't so. and yet, this is something so common that spending the rest of your life with your one true love is more of an exception than the rule. (let's not even talk about whether there is such a thing as your one true love...) should we be disappointed that it isn't so? or is it just a fact of life that we all have to come to terms with?

and then my other thoughts were along the lines of, wow, i really have a lot to live and learn before i can get any sort of perspective on these issues! he also said that people change a lot between 20 to 40 years of age, and i cringed. i'm only on the early end of that age range but i already feel like i've changed in some ways. i can't imagine dealing with many more years of this, and not knowing who i truly am or what i stand for.
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best sunday ever

i don't know if i had too much fun today, but it made me realize how little fun i've had in the past 3 months since i started school. i don't think i've been unhappy, it's just that i didn't notice how little i was hanging out with people and enjoying myself. when i have time to chill, i mostly choose to hang out at home because for one thing, it's cheaper, and for another, i just never feel up to it to make the effort to meet up or organize activities - it just seems like the opposite of relaxing to me. and yet, it is probably very necessary for me to do that in the future, just for my sanity.

i suppose another reason why today was so awesome is that it was totally unplanned! we woke up, saw the beautiful stretch of pure white snow, and decided to spend an entire morning and afternoon outdoors building the best snowman ever, two amazing snow fortresses (the berlin wall, and the great wall of china), and had a big snowball battle. then there was lunch at the malaysian restaurant, culminating with the incredibles on tv, and hot chocolate/haagen dazs ice cream.

even my one major mishap (lost my camera in the fun... completely through my own carelessness) has not dampened my great spirits from today. i've been thinking of getting a new camera, and this has just given me the perfect reason to do so. i do hope i can recover my poor little camera when the snow melts though, and maybe even save the memory card. it will be a test of canon powershot's durability if the thing still works, although i'm not really counting on it.

one hour till darkness falls - it's still light out, but almost as if the sun stumbled, daylight shifts suddenly, shuttering me in my room. no subtle shadows seeping through as dusk creeps up upon the weary student - rather, i am taken by surprise. time for the incandescent bulbs to pop, as i contemplate pulling an all-nighter.

the orange walls deepen, blue skies purpling.

i have haunted the house, alone for the past six hours at least, while the other denizens ventured out and about in the cold daylight hours. no more snacks, i realize, foraging disappointedly through the pantry.

the front door slams.